My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
