I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
