I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So apparently I’m into choking now
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