u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
