How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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