There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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