i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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