sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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