ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
