Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
