he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
