My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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