Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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