i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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