i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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