Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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