I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
