my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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