Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
