he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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