I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
