***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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