today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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