it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
