It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
