If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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