He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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