I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize