I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
