and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
