my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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