I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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