i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
