If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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