I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
