so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
