I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
