Do you still have your period?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
