I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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