yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
