i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
