as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
