I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
