imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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