i need an iv and a liver transplant
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
