Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
