Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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