Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize