What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
