I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
