I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
