Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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