u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
