That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
