The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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