God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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