if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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