In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We left an ass print on the piano.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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