Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
